


into the blue

by smugmaster



Category: Hourou Musuko | Wandering Son
Genre: Canon Trans Character, F/F, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Trans Female Character, this is messy as hell and not at all edited, will add more charcters as it goes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-19
Updated: 2018-01-08
Packaged: 2018-09-18 11:49:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,194
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9383651
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smugmaster/pseuds/smugmaster
Summary: it’s the same as it ever was, except one day it isn’t and it’s become painful to be shuuichi on his off time.





	1. same as it ever was

**Author's Note:**

> title from once in a lifetime by talking heads.
> 
> the first part takes place in chapter 122 and the rest takes place post-manga. (i never finished watching the anime)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> or, "dysphoria starts to dig its claws in for real"

the first time he meets miss lulu, he’s surprised by how casual she is.

he’s shy at first, but her words and way of simply being herself relaxes him and makes him talk more. without realizing it, shuuichi somehow says an awful lot more about himself, his feelings, everything in his life than he intends to. they talk about yuki, and her loud, odd kindness. they talk about mako, doi and anna. they talk about chiba and takatsuki, and the way they would all meet and dress up before everything became so convoluted between them. they even talk about the day shuuichi showed up at school in a girl’s uniform, and what happened before & after.

that afternoon, they both agree: miss lulu will become mama lulu. mama lulu helps make up a convincing look and way to act for her new child “lily”, but it’s not enough.

it never is.

–

there’s no other way to get it out, so shuuichi writes whenever he’s sad. he finds it easier to lose himself in his own eloquence, the way the words feel in his hand, the editing process where he cleans up the messier parts.

it’s almost like a dance, really, when you write instead of talk. no one focuses on how polite you are or your facial expressions or tone of voice. and if it comes out wrong, he can always quitely go back & change his wording without having to apologize for his rudeness.

...the last part isn’t really that of a dance routine, but it still feels good to be able to do exactly that.

be a pretty girl at work, in private, be a man all the other time, write when there’s things he can’t even tell his closest, or put in his “public” writings for others to read.

it’s the same as it ever was.

–

it’s the same as it ever was, except one day it isn’t and it’s become painful to be shuuichi on his off time.


	2. this is not my beautiful house

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> do you realize how lucky you are?!
> 
> or, the effects of denial

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title is still from once in a lifetime by talking heads :^y
> 
> once again it's all non-beta'd. i own nothing

another day, another heated conversation about his ( _her_ ) gender, another door slam.

it’s not hard to see where the hatred & disgust come from. maho isn’t like him, she couldn’t possibly understand. and whatever humans don’t understand, they resent. most of the time, he ( _she_ ) can deal with the way maho acts and thinks, but some days he wants to shake her shoulders violently & yell at her all the things he ( _she_ ) never tells anyone.

_do you realize how lucky you are?! you’re the one named maho! you’re the one everyone refers to as a girl and no one doubts you are one! you’re the one who doesn’t hate your name and everything it represents! you don’t have to deal with this! i **do**!_

those are the days he closes himself off, when he goes straight to his ( _her_ ) room & doesn’t come out for the rest of the day.

–

even if ( _she_ ) gets a lot of love and validation from ( _her_ ) closest friends, even if it hurts to refer to ( _herself_ ) as anything male-related, it feels as though ( _she_ ) will always be nothing more than a pervert with a crossdressing fetish. another target for weird looks when ( _she_ ) walks through the streets, wearing clothes that were obviously made for someone else. another freakshow, private & public at the same time. ( _she_ ) doesn’t mind. ( _she_ )'s used to it by now.

–

small corrections run through her mind whenever someone uses "he", "him" or some other wrong word. her name is still a staticky, blurry mess of choices she tried to use, and threw away because it never fit her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haha i'm totally not expressing way too much of myself here not at all
> 
> ahem.
> 
> yeah another very short chapter, my energy levels are down in the dumps
> 
> i should really study...


	3. and you may find yourself in a beautiful house with a beautiful wife

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> or, finding details in the smallest things someone says

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title is yes, once again, from once in a lifetime by talking heads :^y i love this song so much tbh lol
> 
> i own nothing. also please read hourou musuko if yuo haven't already

anna isn’t always completely understanding of what she goes through, but she tries her best to do what she can. shuu doesn’t tell her much of her feelings outside of the facts that she wants to be a girl

( _as if she isn’t one, hasn’t been one for a long time now_ )

and always asking if anna is _sure_ she doesn’t mind shuu dressing femininely, kissing her like this, it might be called playing pretend, even in the privacy of her room, maho or her mom or dad could walk in on them any second?

whenever the chance that someone could discover them is brought up, anna just laughs & replies that no one in her family is a very quiet person aside from shuu herself. it doesn’t do much for her, but she can take what she gets.

it all becomes much easier when she moves out.

–

they’re laying in the living room of shuu’s new apartment, staring at the ceiling and talking about everything. her girlfriend is quiet and intimidating for the most part, but once she starts talking it’s hard to get her to stop. it’s comfortable & if shuu closes her eyes and listens to anna talk about something like the difference in texture between two different kinds of fabric, she can almost forget she has a body. halfway through anna recounting the entirety of her day, shuu forgets to realize she stopped listening to the words & just the pleasant tone of her girlfriend’s voice she’s gotten so used to-

“so yeah, i told him off for asking me if i had a boyfriend again, because i think ‘kind of’ is enough of an answer, you know?” shuu suddenly opens her eyes, feeling something in her stomach twist. anna doesn’t seem to notice. “i don’t like it when people demand more of an explanation than that. first of all, who said it was their business? second, i don’t want to say that i’m already dating someone else just to have to scare off annoying people. a no is a no! right?”

shuu just hums, feeling something in her belly twist at the words _kind of_. is she only some _kind of_ -girl? they lay in silence for a few moments, but to shuu it feels like an eternity. the blood rushing through her ears & the thoughts that run through her head that have hinged themselves on _kind of_ drown out almost anything else. the question that has formed in her mind comes out through her mouth before she can stop it.

“um, anna… what do you mean by ‘kind of’?”

“hah?”

“well, um, you said that you kind of have a boyfriend… um, does that mean you still see me as a boy to some degree? i’ve told you before, um, i want to be a girl. no, i mean, i _am_ a girl. uh.” shuu immediately regrets the accusatory tone of the words that shine through her timid voice.

“well…” anna doesn’t say anything beyond that, and panic makes shuu sit up quickly.

“you do think i’m a girl, right?” she asks, staring at anna with wide eyes. “not just a weirdo like when we first met?”

“shuu–“

“please don’t tell me you do. i don’t think i’d be able to take it.”

anna is silent for a moment.

“i don’t think you’re a freak. not anymore at least.” a guilty look crosses her face. “to me, those days are over.”

shuu lies back down & stares up at the ceiling, not knowing what to say, whether to be grateful that she’s not a freak anymore or angry that she was one in the first place. anna seems to take this as a prompt to continue.

“others might, though. but if they do, just call on me & i’ll scare them into never talking to you again. you’re my girlfriend now, and two people who are dating are supposed to make each other happy, right?” shuu blinks dumbly at the ceiling, feeling warmth spread through her chest.

“and about the kind of thing; i meant kind of as in ‘i am dating someone, but not the way you’re thinking of’. but if ‘kind of’ makes you uncomfortable, i won’t use it and just say i have a girlfriend from now on. i don’t want you to feel bad about yourself because of my wording. i’m sorry.”

shuu says nothing for a moment, letting the words sink in. then she leans over & kisses anna straight on the mouth & it develops from there.

–

they’re laying beside each other, still breathing slightly harshly & in shuu’s case, still feeling somewhat awkward. it didn’t go much at all like it does in porn, which is both a relief and scare. after a few minutes, their breathing evens out.

“well. i- wow. that was something new,” anna says.

“i’ve never done this before,” shuu excuses herself shyly.

“neither have i. but my mom says the first time is always an awkward mess.”

“your mom must be really liberal then. my mom has never even mentioned the word sex to me.”

anna snorts, then stares fondly at shuu.

“well… i felt good in the end. i hope you did too.” shuu smiles.

“i did. but if you don’t mind, let’s clean up before we talk any more. i feel gross.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> nice!! i kinda like this chapter a lot. it's probably the longest to date. they might be longer in the future idk
> 
> also, for once i'm well rested!!!!!!!!!!!!!! amazing, i know!!!!!!!!!! thats probably why this chapter is so long and well built up, im not publishing this after midnight hedyhgevdgeydudgveuhjdj
> 
> i think from here on out, more and more of shuu's feelings will be put into the fics, since our lives are pretty different. i only started this to vent my dysphoria somewhere but im getting really invested in exploring shuu's character and relationships.


	4. let the water hold me down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> when it's worse and when it's better. now it's worse.
> 
> or, "days"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i dont own shit my dude, except for my own feelings  
> not at all deadited as always  
> tw for emetophobia, slightly disordered eating and verrrrry vaguely implied suicidal/self harm impulses  
> chapter title from, u guessed it, once in a lifetime from talking heads

the ever overhanging question about transitioning. changing her body into what she wants it to be. shuu has read around what it’s like, anxiety rising every time she clicks the search button on her browser. she wants to, of course, so badly. but such a big change also scares her; the body she’s grown so used to, morphing into something completely new. the question keeps hanging in the air without shuu ever addressing it.

–

there are days when shuu feels perfectly fine, can walk around, clean the bar, not thinking about everything below her neck, sighing happily as she falls asleep. then there are days, with a capital d & a trademark. like now, just like now, when she can barely breathe without wanting to sprint for the nearest bathroom & choke up everything that feels wrong with her body. there’s no mistaking it, what she wants to do. but the want & feeling of something being horribly botched & twisted with herself or everything for that matter, as if she’s in some sort of alternate reality where everything fucked up. it keeps her down & unable to get up, unable to move even, despite the fact that her back muscles are getting stiff from all the lying down on the hardwood floor.

in her head, through the awful, heady feeling of dysphoria making her nauseous, she contemplates opening the sake & wine bottles in her fridge & chugging until she doesn’t know what a body even is. unfortunately, shuu makes a point only to drink when she’s in a good mood & only with anna around. she probably can’t garner enough energy from her measly breakfast to crawl over to open it even if she wanted to anyways.

so she’s stuck here.

at least until it all becomes manageable.

when it finally does, she stands on shaky legs & walks over to prepare (2 AM) dinner, ignoring the already newly building nausea. rice & tuna onigiri with coke are nothing special, but it at least serves as a meal. shuu munches and sips carefully as she watches her favourite k-pop videos. seeing the girls on screen that look so much more beautiful & confident than she feels, hoping that they might inspire her to do the same.

–

in the end, it’s not possible to actually answer; like the article she once read had so clearly and accurately described, she’s a girl that’s grown into symbiosis with her boy suit. the answer never seems to be simple with her, she thinks somewhat bitterly. wanting, no, _needing_ to transition, will most likely not solve any problems. shuu gives the question another metaphorical once-over, then carefully puts it back on the equally metaphorical shelf.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> nothing like writing when ur suicidally depressed, heh  
> ehehhehehehehehehhehehehehhee uehejheheiuvhg  
> ahem.  
> yes another pathetically short chapter, but then again i have no energy... school has finally killed me. also it's pride month!!! happy pride!!! (whispering) oh its over (whispering) oh jeez lol. anyways  
> that took a long time to even write anything again. at first there was school to stop me from doing literally anything else than studying and watching buffy with shizuruu, but now that summer rolled around i just had no energy or inspo to write. i blame the swedish graduation party stress and my frighteningly low tolerance to heat (lol)  
> this chapter was actually meant to introduce makoto but my feelings came in the way myaa  
> also shoutout to shizuruu who's coming over this summer and maybe potentially coming with me to stockholm pride!! love u friend hope ur not too busy or sad!! <3  
> also if u can guess where the symbiosis with boy body statement comes from u get one (1) cookie. it's... so accurate for me  
> idk when the next chapter will be out hopefully soon lol


	5. and you may ask yourself, "how do i work this?"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> looking at herself makes in a suit and tie in the mirror makes her hate herself. looking at herself in a blazer and pencil skirt also makes her hate herself. in the end, she thinks she just hates herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oopsie poopsie its been half a year since i last posted on here. (that rhyme) please no blamey ive been busy as hell for the usual reasons, not to mention i'll be starting university this year if im lucky with my grades and energy. also recovering from what others have told me is an abusive relationship with my now ex boyfriend. despite the fact that i ended it moths ago im terrified of him returning and trying to reinsert himself into my life sooo that's that haaha  
> but anyways more body dysphoria but this time with mako and anna involved!  
> as always, not edited, chapter title from once in a lifetime by talking heads, published after midnight blah see blah
> 
> tw for internalized transphobia, suicide mentions and self harm.

there are some things she can't tell anyone, no matter how hard she tries.

( _and she tries, she really does._ )

shuu just can't help keeping some things to herself. most people understand this as her just caring about her privacy, and leave it at that. her parents, however, seem worried and often check up on her. in the beginning it was reaffirming, having the security of someone to tell some of her worries to, but as her body has gotten to feel more alien to her, she has started to resent it more than anything else.

" _you can tell us anything, no matter what it is,_ " they often tell her.

shuu wonders how true that statement really is, if it would hold up if she told them. while she knows her parents don't mind transgender people when watching them on television, the stories of others she has read on the internet always churn in the back of her mind, in the pit if her stomach, in her now always numbing fingertips. the thought of being beaten or disowned always fills her with dread, and so she decides not to think about it. at least when she notices how scratched up her forearms have become.

slowly, the feeling of... something emerges. her co-workers and fellow students still refer to her as if she were a man, and it makes her want to scream and cry with how much her heart hurts when she hears the name "shuuichi" being spoken out loud near her. at the same time, she feels she has to shut up and just press it all down into the depths of her psyche until it fades away.

( _no matter how much she tries, though, it just burns more, and she starts to identify the feeling now constantly swirling on the forefront of her brain; impatience and despair, combining into something entirely new, something that slowly starts to eat her up from the inside._ )

~

one day, in a store, she decides on a whim to take both male and female working clothes into the changing room. none of it brings very wonderful feelings to the surface, not the way it used to. the dissatisfaction with herself has taken over that too. somehow, it just doesn't cut it anymore.

looking at herself makes in a suit and tie in the mirror makes her hate herself. looking at herself in a blazer and pencil skirt also makes her hate herself. in the end, she thinks she just hates herself.

she leaves the store fifteen minutes later without buying anything.

~

anna notices her forearms and asks nervously about them one day, making shuu falter. how do you tell someone that referring to you as you have always wanted to be referred to, suddenly is both too much and not enough?

"i don't know how to explain it," she smiles awkwardly. "but i don't think it's anything serious. please don't worry about me, alright?" for some reason, this makes anna stop completely. she puts her chopsticks down and looks at shuu with a cold and stony expression. now it's shuu's turn to be nervous.

"shuu. i'm your girlfriend. i will always worry bout you." shuu feels her face turn red and looks down. suddenly she feels like apologizing. "and," anna continues and makes shuu look up at her again, "if you don't mind, i would like you to know that the last person who told me not to worry committed suicide last year." there's a pained look on her face now, and shuu is sitting absolutely still.

"i... i had no idea. i'm really sorry." is all she can say.

"so please, tell me what's making you feel so down that you have scabs all over your arms. that makes you feel so bad that you have to resort to self harm."

( _self harm? self harm? self harm...? this is...self harm...? does relieving your emotional pain by directing it to another part of your body count as...? her brain feels like it's going to collapse so she just focuses on what she's been told to do)_

shuu tries, she really does. several times in fact. but each time, the words stick to her tongue and refuse to leave her mouth. as if someone desperately doesn't want her to say anything. the feeling suddenly takes hold of her throat and squeezes it hard when she tries to say something.

"shuu...?"

"i feel like... i mean... i don't want to make anyone..." her eyes suddenly feel blurry and her chest feels like it's imploding. she feels short on oxygen, and tries to take a deep breath. and another, another, another until her breath is just a series of panicked, gasping sobs, and her eyes are sending rivers of tears down her cheeks. she vaguely registers anna walking around the table and gently putting her arms around her.

~

there's no telling how much time passes, and shuu doesn't really care. all that matters is anna gently holding her, kissing her hair, and mumbling unintelligible comforts into her temple.

once shuu finally calms down enough to breathe normally, anna explains that she had a panic attack. shuu can only mumble a tired "i see" into her girlfriend's neck and ask for a nap. anna complies with that. as they drift off in shuu's bed, shuu makes a mental promise to try her hardest to be honest about her feelings, and be there for this wonderful angel of a woman the same way that she has been today. shuu owes her that much, at least.

~

"so you just up and started crying on the spot?" mako asks as she twirls the lollipop in her mouth.

"yup. i don't know why even, it's usually easy to talk to anna about my worries. she told me later that i had a panic attack, and... that's that, i guess." shuu taps absentmindedly on the metal railing of the bridge. she knows mako's small eyes are trained on her and listening to every word she says.

"i see." is the only response she gets. they sit in comfortable silence for a moment. "have you tried writing about it?"

"yeah, i have. but i can never nail the feeling down on paper. so. it just starts frustrating me." shuu doesn't have to look at her best friend to know she's nodding and looking thoughtfully into the sky, thinking of the best way to help her. bless mako's heart, really.

"maaaaannnn... i really want to analyze the problem and solve it for you, shuu. but i think this is something you're gonna have to figure out yourself." mako looks at her with a hopeful expression. "i still wanna try my best to help you, though."

shuu can't help the warm feeling in her chest and smiles at her. "yeah, it's really appreciated. thanks."

mako stretches her arms out and envelops shuu in a hug. they stand there for a long moment before mako lets go and looks at her face with her shoulder-length hair somewhat mussed up, and that same hopeful smile.

"remember, shuu. you're a woman, and no one should convince you otherwise, or make you feel bad about yourself for it. kick them in the crotch if they do."

"i will, mako. thank you so much. i'm so glad you're my friend."

"oh, don't mention it... now go on a date with your girlfriend or something before i start crying in front of you."

shuu just grins, and as they say their goodbyes, shuu can't help but think that even if sometimes it feels really bad, at least she's got someone to talk to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI YALL IT'S TWENTY GAYTEEN!!!! WOOO
> 
> this fic was written in one go on my phone. a lot has happened especially towards the end of 2017, at least for me. i ended up feeling pretty much forced to come out to my parents and i cant help but feel as if i ruined the holidays for them so :^) that's that. but it seems like they're at least starting to get used to the fact and we have started to try and address my problems by seeking mental health professionals and im going to one next week, and im also hopefully going to get referred to a gender therapist to start transitioning. low expectations though lol  
> im publishing this at 4 am and when im feeling terrible but i wanted to end this chapter on a hopeful note.
> 
> anyways that was all for me lol so sweat soon hopefully

**Author's Note:**

> yea sorry this is so messy its a school night and 2 am and i needed to vent this somewhere ahaha. as the tag says, i wrote this all in one go, hopefully i will be able to make more sense of this when i'm fully awake and feeling a little bit better about myself, as well as writing future chapters ill try to make sure to beta it at least once.  
> u might have noticed i use he/him for shuu, its mostly cause idk whether he actually wants to be referred to with she/her. however this will be fixed in future chapters where i will start using she/her for our lovely protag lady <3  
> basically this is just projecting my own dysphoria onto a character but i'm trying my best to keep shuu ic and not do too much moving around of her character. all ofthe emotions described are my own except shuu is a trans girl so its been modified to fit that as much as i can idk im trying to express something but i forgot what it was and i don't really know how to say it anyways so like... hope u liked what i wrote and hope it wanst too messy  
> goodnight lol  
> also thanks a lot for shizuruu who always makes sure to validate my identity in some way <3


End file.
